Most of us are surrounded by people every day, yet surprisingly few people know us very well. We move through workplaces, neighborhoods, organizations, and social circles, often relating through the narrow roles our environments invite us to occupy rather than as whole people. We learn what people do without ever discovering much about who they are.
Over the years I’ve kept returning to the same questions. Why do some gatherings end when the check arrives while others become the beginning of friendships, collaborations, creative projects, mentoring relationships, business opportunities, and conversations that continue for months or years? Why can the same people leave one gathering feeling unchanged yet leave another with relationships that continue developing afterward? What conditions make those outcomes more likely?
I’ve spent years thinking about those questions. It seemed worthwhile to pay closer attention to the conditions surrounding a gathering and whether they influenced what took place afterward. Over time I found myself experimenting with different parts of the experience. Would having a chef matter? Would a different chef matter? Would the quality of the food sourcing matter? Would a different venue matter? Would the kinds of questions people explored together matter? Would the size of the group matter? I didn’t know, but every gathering became another opportunity to pay attention.
As I looked around, I realized that nearly every organized gathering I attended existed to accomplish something beyond the gathering itself. Some were designed to help people build their businesses. Others focused on a particular industry, profession, cause, or shared interest. There was usually an objective beyond simply spending time together. That caused me to think about what might happen if the gathering itself became the reason for gathering.
As a child, making plans with friends didn’t have a purpose beyond wanting to spend time together. We weren’t trying to build a business or a community or expand our network. We just wanted to hang out. Looking back, many of the friendships and memories I value highly grew out of those times without anyone trying to produce those outcomes. I’ve found myself thinking about whether adulthood has become so focused on purpose that we’ve forgotten the value of gathering for its own sake.
That doesn’t mean I don’t hope friendships develop, collaborations begin, businesses grow, or people discover opportunities through one another. Those things happen. I simply don’t think they can be forced. The more I’ve paid attention, the more I’ve come to believe that friendships, trust, a sense of belonging, collaboration, business opportunities, and many of the other outcomes people hope for are often more likely to emerge when they aren’t the objective.
I’ve also realized that I don’t always know why I think certain people might enjoy meeting one another. Sometimes I can explain it afterward and other times I can’t fully. It’s simply an instinct that’s developed from knowing people over time. I’m wrong often enough to stay humble, but right often enough to keep trusting those instincts.
Sometimes I think carefully about who to invite because I have a sense certain people might appreciate one another. Other times I invite people I know and encourage them to bring someone they think would enjoy being there. I’ve never thought of those approaches as opposites. Both begin with trusting that people often know others who would enjoy the gathering.
Once everyone is together, I try to listen to the conversation while also paying attention to who seems engaged, who has been less engaged, and who may be looking for a way into the conversation. Sometimes it means asking a question and other times it simply means noticing someone who has been less engaged and inviting them into the conversation. I don’t always get it right, but I’ve come to believe that paying attention to the flow and energy of a gathering matters just as much as deciding who sits around the table.
Over time I’ve also paid more attention to the food itself. I’ve learned a great deal about regenerative farms, chefs, and restaurants that source from these farms. I enjoy supporting their work, and introducing other people to it. Over time, those interests became another part of how I think about creating a gathering.
Another question I’ve been thinking about has to do with performance, not so much in the theatrical sense, but the subtle ways different environments encourage us to present certain parts of ourselves while keeping other parts in the background. I’ve begun to think that one of the benefits of an unstructured gathering is that it gives us an opportunity to step outside those roles, at least for a while. People often become much more interesting when there isn’t an expectation that they represent anything other than themselves.
I’ve also found myself thinking about what happens when gatherings become brands. A name can be useful because it gives people a way to talk about what you’re doing, but I’ve wondered whether it also changes the experience. Brands create identities and identities create expectations that can influence behavior. At some point, do people begin participating in the idea of the gathering instead of simply participating in the gathering? I don’t know the answer, but I think it’s worth paying attention to because every change we make influences the conditions surrounding a gathering, possibly in ways we don’t fully appreciate.
The more I’ve thought about all of these questions, the less interested I’ve become in finding a model that other people should copy. I hope more people bring friends and acquaintances together whatever way they feel like. I hope more people bring friends and acquaintances together whatever way they feel like. They might choose places they care about, share interests that matter to them, introduce people they think might appreciate one another, and pay attention to the conversation once everyone is together. I think gatherings are at their best when they’re an honest expression of the people creating them rather than an attempt to recreate someone else’s idea of what they should be.